


Panic! And Freak Out

by HisSaviour



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Social Anxiety
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-31 17:21:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21149381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HisSaviour/pseuds/HisSaviour
Summary: A knock on your door made you jump slightly. You lifted your head up and didn't bother to wipe your eyes. There was no point in hiding it, you were broken, The Doctor knew that. You did feel guilty though that he had to see that way but you were done suppressing all your emotions.





	Panic! And Freak Out

**Author's Note:**

> Hii 
> 
> This is my first Doctor fic, there will be more to come once I actually stop procrastinating.  
Hope you enjoy it 💜
> 
> °°°°  
The reader is struggling with anxiety and personal issues. The Doctor checks in on you and sheds light on the issues you are dealing with

Panic! And Freak Out

A chorus of mumering voices echoed in your head, taunting, these voices were whispering your inner demons that you surpressed. 

The quiet was screaming now. It was too loud. Your negative thoughts were twisting out of control, spiraling in flurries in your mind. They didn't stop until finally it was all too much, you cried out and covered your ears with your hands. You squeezed your eyes shut and drew your mouth into a thin line. 

You were on your bed in your personalized room inside the TARDIS. After traveling with The Doctor for a few months you suggested that it was only fair that you get your own room. With help from The Doctor, you placed all your essentials your apartment in London into your new room and bought new, quirky things to decorate it.

After quickly adjusting you found that the TARDIS began to feel more like home than your actual home did. Though, the comfort wasn't enough at times. Missing home and your family made you ache. They were your only support seeing as you didn't have actual friends. You had a few but it wasn't like you spoke to them frequently, either you were busy or they were. And the people that called themselves your friends didn't know you, they just accepted that the person you showed them was all that there was.

They didn't put in an effort to break down your defenses and soon you hated having to pretend to be someone you weren't. The thought of The Doctor dropping you off back at home one day made you rock backwards and forwards, cradling your head between your legs as if it was injured. If you went back you would feel alienated, alone. You'd go back to living a normal life.

Your body rocked in a rhythm that was meant to calm you but it was pointless if you couldn't silence the voices. They kept screaming that no one knew who you really were, that no one understood you. And you believed the voices because you yourself couldn't understand yourself.

Ontop of the fact that you had literally had no friends, well The Doctor didn't count because of course you two were friends, you suffered with anxiety.

You had episodes on occasion, it would sneak up on you like when you step outside on a hot summers day and there is an unexpected gush of icy wind that ghosts across your face and down your arms.

You had anxiety when it came to having to speak to people, new people or even just infront of people. Big groups scared you the most, standing infront of them and having to talk about something you barely knew, it's why you hated school. Thankfully you didn't have to worry about school but you still on occasion had to speak to small groups of people.

Like when you are out and about with The Doctor there are times where you would have to address people and you'd freeze. You knew that they counted on you to help them and you didn't want to let them down and especially not disappoint The Doctor but you just found it hard to voice your opinions and piece together what you wanted to say.

You had all the ideas and the knowledge but you are so scared of being wrong or being ridiculed that you keep it to yourself. You find it hard to open up.

There are rare moments where you are brave, not just for yourself but because people's lives are at stake and that's when you stop thinking about what's holding you back.

But at that moment, on your bed, your mind clouded with profanities aimed at yourself and your insecurities were being thrown at you, you were frustrated. You wanted to be able to express yourself. You didn't know how. So many times when you sunk so low your family asked you why you were crying, why you were frustrated and you didn't know how to explain. You couldn't even decipher it yourself.

Your body slumped over so that your head was buried in your comforter. Your mind played back memories of when you had episodes at home and your father didn't understand. You remembered what he said to your sibling when your sibling told him that you were taking too long to explain why you were crying, why you were not talking. 

Your father said, and you remembered it clearly, "She's just looking for attention now."

"She's too sensitive." 

"She must sort her own problems out."

"Leave her alone."

They stung and stabbed into you as harshly as a dagger would but because they were words the wounds didn't heal.

Your chest became tight as the memory seemed lucid as if you were back in that room hearing your father speak about you. You tried to calm yourself down, to not let your mind run away again, to not let your anxiety or depression win but you couldn't breathe. Your chest heaved and you buried your head deeper into the folds of the comforter. Saliva dripped from your mouth down your chin as you choked out strangled sobs. Your eyes prickled with tears. 

You just wanted someone to not see you as someone that was overly emotional all the time. Sure, you seemed to be that type of person, always something bothering you when you weren't faking a smile but you wanted someone to see past that. See past the facade, past your flaws.

You wanted someone to not leave you alone, someone that is patient enough to wait-wait. Everyone waited for you to try and explain yourself but was impatient, got angry. Even your sibling who you were always close with gave up. It was too long for them. And for you, it was too hard to understand what's wrong. What made you want to curl up and rip the voices out of your head. 

You were your own worst enemy. You couldn't escape from yourself, there was no where to hide. You knew all of your weaknesses, insecurities, faults. You could use it against you, turn yourself against you.

You wanted someone to see what was inside your head so that you knew why you tortured yourself. You didn't want to admit that you had problems, that was what made things worse.

You just wanted to be secure in yourself.

You just wanted to cry.  
Get it out, everything has been bottled up all the time.

And if you were asked about it, you wouldn't know why.

You didn't want to me the one with anxiety.

Your thoughts were always scattered, frantic and unorganized and that's what frustrated you more. That's why you couldn't understand.

A knock on your door made you jump slightly. You lifted your head up and didn't bother to wipe your eyes. There was no point in hiding it, you were broken, The Doctor knew that. You did feel guilty though that he had to see that way but you were done suppressing all your emotions.

The door creaked open, The Doctor's spikey chestnut hair popped out. As you expected he looked concerned, his eyebrows furrowed. In no time he crossed the distance between the two of you and sat down beside you.

You could imagine what you looked like, puffy eyes, stained cheeks and a red nose while you sniffed.

His hands found yours that rested on your thighs. The pads of his thumbs rubbed circles on the back of your pale hands. Your head hung meekly, you were avoiding his penetrating gaze.

He didn't say anything, his hand found the base of your neck and gently pulled you down so that your head was on his lap, your cheek squished against his thigh. 

His fingers thread through your hair and his nails scrapped at your scalp soothingly. His voice made your chest feel less tight, your breathing equalised and you felt immediately calmer. 

"You're feeling all over the place aren't you?" 

His voice was softer than it was earlier that day. You nodded slowly. His fingers in your hair made a detour and started pressing down lightly on your temple. You turned your body so that your face was to the ceiling of your room,to give him access to your other temple. 

"This is to help you relax. It's therapeutic, I promise."

You sighed as his index and middle fingers moved in circles while applying pressure onto your temples. You could feel the anxiety, stress and negativity roll off of you and dissipate. You would have forgotten how close you two were if you didn't hear the sound of his mouth parting and the sound of each breath he took. You were suddenly aware of his fingers as they glided through your hair again. You concentrated less on the actions and more on the feelings that you received. 

" If this is what helps you then tell me. If you don't want to talk then all I'll do is this, just this, until you are ready." 

He was so sincere, your heart swelled. You didn't realize you had closed your eyes till you found them opening to stare up at The Doctor who was already looking down at you through long lashes.  
He smiled warmly and for the first time while you had that episode you smiled genuinely. 

The corners of his eyes crinkled and his smile brufhrened. "Look at that, that's beautiful. There's that beautiful smile I love so much."

"Doctor, stop it." You were flushed now, your cheeks a cherry pink. 

You were embarrassed but you kept your eyes locked to his chocolate orbs. He brushed a whisp of hair out of your eyes and leaned down to kiss your forehead. His lips were feather light and just as soft as petals of a perfect flower. Your eyes closed instinctively even as he pulled away and sat upright once again. You absorbed the feeling of his lips on your skin and imprinted it into your brain so that whenever you were feeling down you could access this memory, the feeling. That way you would recover.

" I don't- I don't know how to express myself."

With your eyes still shut you couldn't catch his expression. You chewed your lips anxiously as you waited for his response. 

"Then don't. Don't force yourself to do something that you know strains you in one go. You have so much going on inside that head of yours." 

Using his pointer finger he poked your forehead gently and you stifled a giggle. He bit back a smile. 

"Your mind is so- it's so busy and full, it's- there's so much activity that you can't keep up. All your thoughts are everywhere that you can't move around in there, they are all just running and you don't have enough energy to catch them. You get frustrated, you try grasping at a few thoughts but the only ones you can reach are the ones that bring you down. Because they feed off your confusion, they make themselves reachable. You are so desperate to understand the mess that's inside of your head that you think that what you grabbed, that negativity is the truth. You start believing it and soon you break down. You feel worthless. You don't know yourself, don't know what to believe and you feel alone."

The Doctor's hands frailed around above her head as his voice rose an octive higher each time he got excited by unraveling her situation. Your mouth was agape, you were taking in everything that he said and of course everything that he said was correct. He really understood. 

His hands paused mid-motion in the air. "Did you understand, must I explain again?"

When you said you understood he continued. 

"You're not alone. Take your time to understand yourself. Just because you have scattered thoughts that make no sense doesn't mean that they can't make sense. You'll get it, you'll find out all the answers you want, I promise. I'm here to help you with anything. You are capable of doing anything you want, I believe in you. Believe in yourself because you are worth it. You are worth a whole lot more than you realize and you mean alot more to me than you give yourself credit for." 

You sat upright and faced him. His eyes were a light brown and he still had a small smile on his lips. His arms invited you in for a hug and you fell into his embrace. His arms encircled you and drew you closer, his hands rested on the small of your back. Your hands were on his chest, your face was buried there just like it was buried in your comforter previously. This was an upgrade, comforters don't smell as good. 

Tears threatened to fall again and this time they weren't because of sadness. 

He placed his chin on the crown of your head. Absentmindedly your fingers drew patterns over his pin-striped suit. He didn't seem to mind and did the same to your back over your t-shirt that hung loosely on your body. 

The beats of his hearts lulled you to sleep. He let you rest, checking to see every so often if you were still alright. You spoke in your sleep, his name played on your lips and everytime he heard you say it he smiled. 

Together you both knew you could overcome anything. You, yourself had the power to help yourself. It was all in the mind. Your mind. You had the ability to do it. The Doctor was going to guide you through it and you were going to take it slow, step by step. 

You believed in him. He believed you. You believed in yourself.


End file.
